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Santa Is A Man

In reference to "Santa is a woman"

Santa is a man.

It is precisely because Christmas is an "organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal" that Santa has to be a man.
Delegation... that's the key. Just imagine if a woman was
trying to delegate all of those tasks and obligations to her
underlings. Christmas would be as ambiguous as the spring
equinox. Nobody would know what day of the year we were
going to celebrate it on.

It takes a man to organize a commercial event as huge as
Christmas. What with the ads, the parades, the football, and
(usually) the basketball, the sheer immensity of the task
would overwhelm most females. We'd have to plan football
schedules around lunch instead of the other way around. Or
worse yet... there might not be any football at all.
(Shudder) That's a scary thought.

If Santa was a female, the toys might never be delivered. It
would take a she Santa until New Year's Eve to get dressed
(for the third time) and out of the bathroom. And just try
harnessing those reindeer with freshly painted nails. Never
happen. Once she got underway, she'd be too busy talking on
the cell phone to her girl friends to get all the way around
the world to every girl and boy's house in a single year,
let alone a single night.

If Santa was female, the whole idea of gift giving would be
unrecognizable. Everybody would get socks, or ties, or
aftershave, or fuzzy slippers every year. There would be
none of the noise making, shoot 'em up, battery operated
windfalls that kids love. Bicycles would all come complete
with helmets and knee pads. And training wheels so nobody
could get hurt. Toy soldiers would be replaced by books on
improving one's self esteem. Christmas just wouldn't be the

I'll tell you another reason why Santa has to be a man (AND
a football fan). Look at the names of his reindeer...
Dasher, Comet, Blitzen... If those aren't male names for
football players, than I'm an elf.

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