Santa Claus Lawsuit

CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that
it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of
the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge,
stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to
privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database.
The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr.
Claus' organization to determine which children are considered
naughty or nice.

It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we
have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus
has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent
the free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which
reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in
the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "Clearly
shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to
free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns
about the security of the information. What would be the result of
such a database being made available to other law enforcement
agencies around the world?"

Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a
vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside
the Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of
parents, ministers, and teachers are involved in this business and
we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for
a lighter sentence." In addition, the same sources indicated a
parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible
charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "Our records do not
show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying any import duties or taxes
on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives
in all of the States of the Union, we believe he should have to
pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His
supporters are from around the world and his message of love and
respect can, in no way, be taken as a for of "mind control" or a
violation of the "civil rights of children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country with which the United
States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where
Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at
his North Pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find
the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be
rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe
the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this
year.