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Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Child

10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed

5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put
the hurt on you!"

2. Labels on all your kid's toys and clothes read "Straight from the trash
heap to you"

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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