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- AVZIO
- Funny Jokes
- Condom jokes
- If Girls Designed Condoms ..
If Girls Designed Condoms ..
What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the
lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they
would be padded.
"But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loud-
est voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now.
Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't
matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask
her about width.
Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of
screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out
with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After
all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we
can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms
would rob boys of the skin-to-skin sensation they already claim
condoms rob them of, and we can't have that.
No, modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would
design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and micro-
scopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms
we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special
occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in
there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and
all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with
stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty
items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black
olives, come in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and humongous.
Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment,
colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into
bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more.
But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local
massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like
corn pads or athlete's foot spray.
So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels,
make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come
with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in
boxes of Tampax (uh oh -- don't mix them up!). While at the
drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following
items: Tickle antiperspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin
Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for impor-
tant condom experiments at home.
At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any
record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its
packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment
with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms
into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, prac-
tice, practice.
And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love
skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two
glossies.
Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of
those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing.
Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both.
story Information
Upload Date: 31/12/1969 |
Downloads: 4045 |
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