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Last Lullaby

Crimson daubs of blood touched my lips as I scrambled in my pockets for the trailer keys. It was late morning, and my Mother would be annoyed. She was always annoyed.

I shivered gently, sitting down on the step, hugging myself. A thick red bruise had formed quietly over one of my eyes from where someone had hit me.

The trailer door opened behind me, light spilling fruitfully over my tired frame. I turned, squinting up at the skinny blond lady that called herself my Mother.

'You have some explaining to do,' she snarled.

‘I was out,’ I whispered.

'You were out drinking with that faggot again, weren't you?'

‘No, Mother, I wasn’t,’ I sneered.

'Get inside, kid.'

She kicked me once in the back. I winced and then crawled in.


'Get up.'

‘Oh sh*t.’

'You're late!

‘Do I really care?’

Tick TOCK tick freaking TOCK…

She’s in the room. She’s watching me with those sharp little eyes.

'Is anything wrong?'

Oh God. She knows. She knows. She knows.

'Get up!'

‘I love you, Mom. Just don’t f**k with me. I need to sleep.’

'Have you been drinking again?'

‘Oh shut up, Mom!’

'You have!'

‘Here we go again. Show me some pity, mom. It was you who was drinking. You know I got beat up last night. Nathaniel had to go to f**king hospital to get five stitches in his f**king thigh, you BITCH.’

'Don't you ever mention that name in my house again.

She hits me hard on the hip. Better me than her. She pulls me out of bed.

'Up. Now.'

‘I’m going to have another bruise, Mom. God, I hate you.’

She’s kicked me in the ribs. The pain is sharp but nothing I can’t get over.

'Fuck this. Get up, you bastard.'

‘Okay. I’m up now, Mom. You can stop kicking me now, Mom.’

'Get dressed, now!'

‘Get out of here, Mom. I’m naked.’

She’s gone. She’s not coming back. Stupid whore.

I was amazed when my Mother managed to get me into a school five years ago. Not a very good school, but it was better than nothing I guessed. I f**ked her life up when I was born- so I guess I deserved all of it. She told me she wished she had got the raw meat scraped off her womb before I had been born. She didn’t care about me. She just wanted to try and get out of trouble with the council. I didn’t see why they would bother about us trailer freaks. The idiots who f**k up hoes and smash them against the walls. No happy ending for any of them. Fat, pregnant, fools.

ONCE UPON A TIME, yes that’s how they have poisoned fairy tales- and us.

There is no such thing as, ‘ONCE UPON,’ and no time then the present to burn the line, ‘HAPPILY EVER AFTER.’ You may think you’re flying high, but then its when you hit the ground that you realise the truth. Everyone has a sad story and if you find it funny you should remember that when you lay dying.

I had always told Nathaniel I wouldn’t run away with him. I was only thirteen, he was nineteen but this time it was different; Nathaniel had got his hands on some cash. He could get us a place to live- a proper place.

I wanted to be with him. FOREVER.

Kissed by Demons- October 2005.

Time goes very slow when you’re suicidal.

Nathaniel was killed on the last day of October- as a hate crime. The police would later tell my hysterical shell that it had been a Halloween prank. They couldn’t face it. I could. I’m sure Nate did. You couldn’t.

I’ve resolved this day that next time I see one of you abusing someone for being ‘different’ I’ll kick your teeth in, make you experience the fistful of sleepless nights that we’ve had to live in, constantly worried that someone will attack us in the night. Watch out for my big crazed eyes and really sick grin because I’ll be waiting for you.

I loved Nathaniel. I still do. Get over it.

It had been hot all week. Too hot. We had spent most of it crawling around the house sluggishly like the wasps my mother used to mash down with the back of her hand. We often found ourselves in the midst of crazy raves, tossing back multi-coloured tabs like candy, chasing each other before we finally gave up on the stairs and f**ked right there and then with enough acid in our stomachs to burn a hole in the vomit-crusted carpet. Each night as we thankfully fell into our bed together it felt like sliding into a coffin, f**king and soul kissing, damsel drops of blood touching the ragged, outrageously pink sheets till the clock chimed four am and we fell into thoughtless sleep.


Nate was asleep, I was sure of that, so I crawled up against him, kissing the curve of his lips. He looked so fragile when he was asleep, his body cast in shadow, daylight sending a thin beam over his long, elegant legs. I reached out, touching his thigh and running two fingers down it. Nate made a small, protesting sound and kicked his leg in his sleep.

I smiled weakly, running the tip of my fingers up his hip and over his ribs. He groaned, eyes opened softly to look at me. ‘Hey there, beautiful,’ he grinned, his slender hand cupping my sharp chin. I sighed, closing my eyes. Nate kissed me very lightly on my lips then relaxed down.

I stood as slowly as I could so I didn’t disturb him, pulling his jeans on so they hung loose at my hips. I walked quickly towards the adjoining bathroom, standing still as I splashed water over my face. Through in the other room I heard Nate stand, and I smiled softly. I washed my hands, finding it surprisingly easy to look absent-mindedly at them. ‘Ross?’ Nate said cautiously right behind me. Nate was there, a finger twirling a lock of my smokey hair. I turned my head slowly, smiling, so I could look at him.

For a moment Nate just stared at me then he twisted my body around so we were both facing each other, lips pressing up to mine.

Nate slipped his hands behind me, gently slipping three fingers from each hand down the back of my jeans, kneading the small of my back. I cried out.

I drew back my face at that moment and hung my head, so my forehead was resting on his shoulder, mouth making small moments to his skin. Nate pressed hard into my aching back making me arch inwards against him. He kissed my jaw, running his tongue down my neck, whispering that it was going to be okay and that he loved me. I licked his lips like a cat, pawing up against him. Nate gave me one last lingering kiss then moved back, leaning against the wall. I watched him go, pain showing bright in my own eyes.

‘Are you saying no to me now?’ I asked, eyes flitting about, like fireflies trapped in a mosquito net.

‘No,’ Nate whispered. ‘I just wanted to show you something.’

Two tickets moved up in front of my face. My eyes widened, a smile curling up excitedly on my lips. ‘You said you wanted to go,’ Nate grinned.

‘God, you spoil me,’ I laughed, the sound butterflies over Nate’s face.

‘What a shame,’ he murmured softly, leaning in to bite my ear gently. ‘Do you know what I was saying?’

‘Tell me.’

‘I was telling you I loved you,’ he smiled, squeezing my scrawny hipbone in his hand. I squashed my eyelids together, biting back a pang of sickness. Nate felt my body gip wildly, my hand jamming it’s self wildly over my sticky, pink blossom lips. ‘Don’t you like that?’

‘Say it again. Please.’

‘Ross, I love you more than anything.’ Nathaniel watched as my eyes fluttered shut, kissing my palm. ‘I’m going to marry you one day, Ross Wray. I promise you.’

‘That isn’t possible.’

‘I promise,’ Nate repeated, both his hands moving up to hold onto mine.

I moaned quietly, squeezing his hands tight in mine. ‘I want you back in the other room, now,’

Nate pulled me up into his arms, and I whooped, curving against him. ‘Whatever you want, Ross, whatever you want,’ Nate chuckled, kissing me hard on the forehead.


I yawned, pulling my legs up to my chest. Nate moved an arm round my shoulders and kissed me gently on the cheek. One hand slid to rest tenderly just on the inside of my thigh and I laid a hand lightly over his. ‘Bored of it?’ Nate asked.

I nodded and curled over Nate’s lap, the side of my head resting carefully in the middle. Nate laughed nervously, his body twisting under the touch. He touched my face, and I rubbed it against his crotch. Nate was whimpering softly now, looking anxiously around them. A pair of school kids was poking each other, watching.

‘Ross, babes,’ Nate whispered. ‘You shouldn’t be doing that.’

I had noticed but I still rolled my eyes up to look at him, ‘why?’

‘We could get into trouble,’ Nate explained nervously, shooting another glance over at the kids.

‘Let’s go then,’ I smiled. I stood, clasping Nate’s hand and pulling him out of the room. Nate went with me, laughing softly, his other hand clutching my arm.

We didn’t notice the two men and the woman following us.


‘God, you’re beautiful,’ Nathaniel whispered into my ear as he pressed me back against the wall, his mouth slowly making lazy circles over my face, hands scanning down my body.

‘You always say that,’ I laughed, kissing him calmingly on the neck, dragging his hands behind my hips. He was so cold.

The blow came at his back, hitting Nate hard on the back of his head in a burst of metal and blood. I remember him screaming uncontrollably, falling to the ground, harsh sobs choking their way out of his mouth. He vomited into the humid night air.

Grazes formed all up the sides of his arms and one of his knees. Somehow he managed to turn, his shirt torn, to look up at them. There were two lanky males with stringy blond hair and dirty clothes, and one girl with spiky black hair and a body of curves. Nate spat blood as one of the guys kicked him hard in the side.

I fell to his knees next to him, hand stroking through his hair, pulling him up against my body; protecting him. Fuck, please, Nathaniel, don’t let me go. DON’T YOU FUCKING LET ME GO.

‘What’s your name, boy,’ one male growled, green eyes flashing.

‘M-Me?’ Nate stammered. I don’t even know why he replied; I guess he thought they might go away if he answered their questions. Oh, yeah, right.

‘Yes, you,’ the girl spat. ‘Tell us, ass-candy.’

‘N-Nath-Nathaniel,’ he whimpered, my arms tightening around him as I breathed in the familiar sent of jasmine, now almost drained away by the sudden sweat and panic in his long, crazed strands of purest hair.

Very briefly I felt Nate’s lips whisper over my forehead and he whimpered gently that he loved me more than anything. The pain and fright in his eyes was terrifying.

The male with scratchy-brown eyes moved around me, pulling me kicking and screaming away from Nate. He kicked me hard in the back of the head and stamped on it, not once, not twice but three times. Brown-Eyes came back, dragging Nate up by his hair. Nate yelled, knees barely grazing the gravel, eyes rolled back to whites.

‘This is a straight area, odd-boy. We’ve been seeing you and that faggot messing about in there. We don’t like that,’ Green-Eyes hissed. I looked at him. He was holding a Swiss-army knife. The girl was holding a can of spray paint.

‘Please,’ I begged, salty tears falling through the mess of blood that formed my face. My nose was ruined, two teeth smashed out. ‘Don’t hurt him. Please don’t hurt him.’

The girl’s shoe came down very hard over my groin, making me yell.

I shook my head frantically, noise buzzing in my ears like hundreds of thousand legged beetles. The pain was deafening, linking up my body in harsh lines of hatred.

‘Shut it, queer,’ Green-eyes snarled, punching him hard in the ribs, the blade protruding from his slight fingers. Nathaniel screamed as the blade entered him, and he closed his eyes, blood running thick from the wound and even more thickly from his mouth. The blade came out again, fast into his waist. It hit only once more at Nate, carving his stomach in two. He didn’t scream this time. He was beyond even that. They laughed as he choked on his own blood.

Green-eyes tossed the bloody knife to the girl as I scrambled with broken and torn nails to reach him. She fell to her knees, slicing the blade deep into my crotch. I grabbed her long hair by her gelled spikes. She screeched, the knife f**king my abdomen maybe up to five times.

Brown-Eyes dropped Nathaniel at that point, kicking him down. A small grievance, the pain was probably worth not being able to see me being mashed. Nate could still hear my strangled screams though and they would hurt more than that. The girl moved over him, spray painting a thick purple word onto his shoulders, back and hips: FREAK.

Someone lifted Nathaniel back into the air and I saw the chilled metal at the side of his forehead. He moaned. The police said he didn’t even hear the single bang as it sent him sprawling limp to the ground; he was dead as soon as the trigger was squeezed.

They ran off yelling and whooping. I choked, nails scraping weakly at the gravel, scratching my fingertips raw. I found his body, dragging myself up against it, face nuzzled into the depths of Nate’s crimson-sticky hair. I started to cry and the effort of that brought the last sliver of energy I had left to an abrupt crash.

‘I love you too, Nathaniel, darling,’ I whispered into his ear. As the blood ran wild I felt numb, tired. I sighed, laughing bitterly, choked up with blood and worse. Darkness faded my vision and I started singing a lullaby under my breath.

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Upload Date: 31/12/1969

Downloads: 2166

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