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Rotten love

(written by  sweetestdownfall)
this is our story..

it was like a dream or something, for i kept on remembering things. things i have done when i was 8 years old.i was not quite sure if it was real or was all just a dream. i have this neighbhor. her names zel. her father was a vietnamese which makes her look like one. she was so mean to me at first. we just moved from her block and i was new to that place. i have no friends and the other kids where her buddies. they would throw rocks at me and avoid me.

but as i remembered, we became friends and her friends was now my friends. we usually play dolls and act as if we were a family. i dont know why on earth i was always playing the role of a father., and zel was the mother. and our other friends are our siblings. well maybe because were all girls after all.

one day, we were stuck at my moms room. she locked the door and we were making out. scratch that i was only 8yrs.old then and hazels 11. but really, im quite sure that it did happen several times. me, my other friend and zel. a threesome. sure at that time i dont know what we were doing. were just a slave of zel. she do all the things, and we just follow her. but we often do it, just zel and me. i remembered that it really felt good. we do it at our cr, or in their house when no ones around.

it stopped eventually. i cant remember when. we werent close as before , we were friends again but i seldom go out. my mom wont allow me because at that time i was already studying.

then i was at 6th grade and zels now at her junior years at highschool.when we became close all over again. i told her that my brothers friend had a huge crush on her, the i was their bridge, we would go to the church, we were quite active at our local chapel. she was then the vocalist at our chapels band and i would go with her at her practices, staring at her all the time and adoring her lovely voice. we were really tight. just so u know, our house was just right next to hers. so i could hangout with her all the time. after school i would directly go at her house, stay there until dinner time, go back at our house to eat then after that we would go to the chapel. that went by for like a year.

then one day,

we were left at her house. her parents and grandma wasnt home. she was babysitting her lilttle sister and brother at their room. i stayed at the living room to watch tv. when zel suddenly called me and asked me to go to her sisters room.

when i came there, her siblings were already asleep.

she told me to sit right next to hers. she handed me a notebook and i look at it. so stupid at me, i tore a page and make an origami. i was like a little child playing at it when she suddenly hugged me and i continually played. i didnt mind her hugging me and all but deep inside i was like nervous and getting sweaty. it was like a dream for really i knew then i do like her and i have been dreaming for that day to come true. i even imagined myself makingout with her. but i know it was going to be a dream for i thought she was straight. she had her x boyfriends and alot of men from her school and our village are admiring her.

then she kissed me, it was shocked. it was my "so-called" first kiss. well, my first because now i am grown up. like an electric volt that goes up to my veins. i didnt respond at first but did so when she pushed me, and now i was like lying at the bed. she continued pushing her tongue inside my mouth and i dont know what to do. yeah i know i was so stupid, but she was really into it. im having goosebumps. God it feels so good. . just as we heard a knock from the door, her grandma arrived and our "moment" was disturbed.

we never really had time to do it all over again but as the time goes by, when her mom and grandma wasnt around, we do some pretty naugthy things. i dont know if she felt the same but i was really falling inlove with her. its not lust, i can tell. she was really popular at our place.

i asked her if she felt the same, but then she would just smile and kiss me.

one night, i tried asking her and she just nod. well, that really made me happy. it was quite hard though because we have to hide our relationship. i came from a very conservative family and zel too. our family know each other and they are quite close. knowing they just live next door.

we have our relationship hidden for two years.

i was really hard for me because i love her more than she had love me. i often get jealous because guys flirt with her often and i cant do anything. i just pretend that im happy when our friends and the guys are around. one time i remembered myself slapping her face infront of our friends when she was like flirting to this boy. i was like crying so hard. i just said that i was jealous because i like the boy and zel was flirting with him, i felt betrayed.

but i was really lying. i just couldnt hold my feelings and slapped her right there and then. ofcourse she was shocked; i run and left. but later that evening we were ok again.

i just so love her that i will swallow my pride and obey to her wish that i would never do it again. that i will not do anything stupid so that our relationship will be saved and not be too obvious.

we were so glued up with each other that we would kiss even if my mom was around but isnt watching. we would snuggle up when where watching tv, i would stole a kiss when nobodys around or seemed to notice. she would sit at my lap when theres no more chair at our chapel or at meetings. we were like couple. much sweeter and much kinky.

it was really like a dream come true for me. a fairytale. so magical.

but it didnt turned out that magical after all. ..
they move somewhere far from our village.
she said it was because its much convinient and near to her school.
but she visit me at our house once in awhile.

it is still in our city so its not much of a big deal.,

but i missed her so much of course.

sometime on may, we had this party. i was quite drunk and i requested that she would spend her night at our house. she said no but i pleaded.. i was like near to tears when she said yes. she called her mom and explained that she cant go home because it was getting late and its hard for her to get a cab, her mom agreed and then she slept at our living room. ofcourse i slept with her.

suddenly my brother came out and went to the cr. i was like freezing and pretending to be asleep. i dont know if he caught us but he didnt say anything and continually went to the cr to take a p*ss.

that evening was so magical.

i love her so much and i can say she loves me too.

morning came and she went home.

i dont know what happened but she told me not to call anymore at their house and that not to visit her. i was getting paranoid for she wont say why. just as always, i obeyed her. i was getting anxious as months and weeks came by the still i cant call her. she can call me and i just waited for her to do so. we could secretly meet at malls and watch movies.
she was so lovely. i just love her more and more.

when she graduated at highschool. i couldnt attend her graduation. she told me not to come. i was so freaking mad. i texted her at her moms mobile and said some mean things. her mom got angry and told me that she would talk to my mom about the message, i said it was just a miss send and that i was sorry.. but im not.

her mom did talk to my mom and i dont know what else they talked about. my mom just warned me and told me not to see zel again. i was heartbroken. i dont know what to do. i know my mom knew now about us but didnt say a thing. her mom too..

i cut my wrist, but not to deep. just to divert the pain away.

i cut my ankle

i tried to take away my life.

i cry at night and i cry myself to sleep.

it was like somebody died and i look like a mess.

i dont want to live anymore. they took away my life..

then one day,

zel called me up and asked me to meet her.

then again, we were back at our old relationship.

much careful and all.

she was now studying at uni and was taking up psychology.

somebody was courting her and she was entertaining the looser just so her mom wont suspect her and me.

but as days went by,

she would not meet up with me,

saying she was pretty busy at school and all.

she would not show up and left me waiting for her for hours and went home knowing she wont really show up.

i caught myself crying while going home.

i talked to her one rainy day, near their house.

i just couldnt face the fact that shes avoiding me.

she left me and i was stunned.

i left myself soaked in the rain waiting for her to come back,

but she didint.

people stare at me, i was still crying but its not obvious because i was really wet. when a stranger approached me and gave me money. he taught i have no money and gave me one so that i could go home.i thanked him and said that i dont need it, gosh he was so nice he insisted to go get the offer. i was really crying so hard and he kept on asking if i was alright. if whats the matter. if everythings ok. i said "yes" everythings ok, he should not get worried and that i can handle myself.

after an hour, i was still wet.

the water was still dripping and i saw zel, she had an umbrella and i started crying again. she did came back. she hugged me and told me she love me. that i should get home because i might get sick.

i so love her and then again i obeyed her.

i went home, and people continued to stare at me.

i guess they are wondering why im so wet and all

i look so stupid and a real mess.

days and weeks passed by

we were a couple again.

but i can now sense she was cold and not the same old zel i used to know.while i was with her. we were strolling at the mall when suddenly turned so serious,. she told me she had to say something and that i sould take this seriously.

she told me that she tought about it over and over again.

she told me that shes now tired hiding our relationship and keeping it up.

she said that its over and she had made her decision.

she hope that i would understand and that i shoud be happy for her. after all, we are still friends. i remained silent and i just nodded.

we separated and i went home immediately.

she tried calling me up and my mom told her i was sleeping.

i kept crying and i wanted to shout back at her

i wanted to keep her all by myself.

i really love her and i kept asking questions.

am i not enough for her? i love her and that matters.

why would she broke up with me.

so many questions. but all i know is that i could never have her again.

i have my sleepless night and wet pillows too.

i would cry when no one was watching.

may it be at school, classroom, house or at grocery.

anywhere. i just feel so lonely and betrayed,

i get so paranoid that i thought she was just at playing me.

that she was never inlove with me and that she was just having her revenge because i lied at her when i said that my brothers friend had a huge crush on her. i just did it just get close to her again.

and it was years ago, she eventually found out when i told her it was all a lie when we talked one time.

i dont know.

all i could think of was that she just wanted to hurt me so bad.

i hate her. i hate her fanily.

i curse them. i hate my mother.

i hate them all.

i used to cut myself.

up until now, i develop that habit

of slashing my wrist gently just so to divert the pain.

im a masuchist. weird. paranoid and lonely.

i can stand in the middle of all my friends and still feels lonely.

i have a world of my own.

im good at pretending that im happy,

but deep inside im not.

its been 5 years from now and i eventually moved on.

it was really hard for me. now that they moved back at their old house right next to ours.

it just kept on flashing back memories when i hear her voice and all.

well, we were friends now. but still i hate her.

i have this hatred that has been locked up deep inside me for so long.

i still cursed their family deep inside.

for making me something im not.

i blame them for making my childhood days misserable.

for getting my reputation ruined because her mom told our chapels moderator that i was a lesbo and it eventually spread out.

after that, i dont go out anymore., i lock my self and i feel ashamed whenever i saw some of my childhood friends.

i hate them. i so f**king hate them.

but yeah. were friends.

im allowed again to visit their house. but it was just once.

for me their house is like a hell.

so many memories that i cant swallow.

now, zels married.

she has a lovely baby, 6mos. old.

i seldom saw her.

i would talk to her, smile at her.

ask her how is she and all.

but still deep inside i still hate her.

hate her for what she did.

for betraying me.

for everything..

and above all,

i hate her...

for i cant seem to forget her.
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Upload Date: 31/12/1969

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