My Butterfly (written by Tess)

Every time I see her, I get this feeling.

Like a jumpy, heart in your mouth kinda feeling. It a happy feeling. Its like, all I want is to be with her, smell the scent of her perfume, feel the warmth of her body against mine, taste her lips, see the curves of her body and hear her say "I love you."

She looks at me and smiles. Sometimes, its a soft, barely there, hidden smile, with her beautiful white teeth barely visible. Sometimes its a brilliant flash of teeth, a wide, enticing smile that draws everyone's attention to it.

I feel so lucky when she walks straight to me, ignoring everyone else, placing her soft, warm arms around my waist and brushing her dainty lips against mine. Of course people stare. Someone as beautiful as her with and ugly duckling like me.

She tells me things. I make her feel safe, she says. I make her feel wanted and needed, like she actually belongs for once in her life, like she's allowed to be herself and not have to listen to the prejudice and bullsh*t she gets. It's not her fault, i say to her. It's no ones fault that we are who we are. It's just an inexplicable twist of fate that caused us to fall together.

She tells me I'm the only one ho keeps her going sometimes. I'm the only one who's keeping her alive. Hearing such words come out of her mouth, from her quiet voice scares the sh*t out of me. I'm not always going to be there, I know that life doesn't travel endlessly on. We all have to go sometime.

It frightens me to think like that and to hear her voice such horrible thoughts. I don't think I could cope if she left before me, but I know the same feelings would affect her if I left first.

She's too important to me, and maybe, hopefully, I'm that important to her as well.

She said to me once,

"I love you so much, I don't know what I'd do without you. You're like my sun. Everything revolves around me and you.

Man, this sounds SO sappy.

But really, when people say love really is indescribable, they were right. the closest you can get to describing it sounds like a cheapened, gooey, made up version, like it was made to sound better then it really is.

But it's not made up.

It's all brutally, harshly real.

Sometimes, I wish it wasn't real. The whispers, rumours and bitching that follows us around becomes almost unbearable sometimes. It chinks and chips away at our love, making us doubt ourselves and each other.

Why is it, that a man and a woman can love each other, but not a woman and a woman, or a man and a man?

That really confuses me.

I view love as something that has no boundaries, and something to which everyone is entitled to.

But I'm getting off track

This girl, the girl I'm madly in love with, is as frail as a butterfly. She can't cope with pain or seeing people get hurt. She can't cope with the struggle to actually make it through each day without getting verbally abused for who she is.

Nothing I can say takes the edges off the sharp blades which pierce themselves through to her soul and hurt her more. Nothing I can do that can help her.

I stand there helpless, watching her crumble from within.

My beautiful, gorgeous, frail butterfly.

I love her so much.

She was alive when I first met her.

But now she's dead inside because she tried to be the person she really was, and no one could accept it.

Fuck homophobia.