Our Journey

Over fifteen years ago I met the most beautiful, mysterious, uncertain woman in the world. As I went through my life over the past 10+ years raising my child, experiencing life and maturing in some ways was there not a day that went by that I did not think of this woman. What she might be doing at one specific time, thoughts that might be running through her mind, fears she may be having and dreams she wanted to accomplish. I dreamt of this woman being in my life, being a part of my life. I had thoughts of her sharing my dreams and my goals. I wanted to wash away her fears and her hurt that I felt when I looked into her eyes that very first day. I wanted to just hold her and tell her everything would be just fine. That there was a rainbow at the end of this storm waiting for her. Now, don’t get me wrong, this woman had everything most women craved. The husband who worshipped her, two beautiful children, a boy and a girl, the house with the white picket fence. She was able to be a stay at home mother, she was able to attend all the children’s school functions and activities. She was a soccer mom, football mom, dance and ballet mom. As well as a room mother joined the PTO. She was able to have the joy of watching her children grow up into fine young adults she was there to cheer her son on when he made his first goal, watch her daughter when she first learned to do a pirouette. Be there for all the awards and accomplishments and also learned to be a teacher, a doctor and a comedian. She had a life most mothers dreamed of yet a little bit of happiness was lacking from her life. Now, I know that I am not a Psychiatrist nor can I read peoples mind. But the first time I looked into this woman’s eyes, I felt a connection. I felt I was able to read her better at times than she could read herself. As the years went by I asked about her life, her children, and her well being.

In the year of 2001, I was able to reconnect with the woman I fell in love with from afar.

I was in awe of this beautiful woman. I admired the accomplishment and the obstacles she had overcome.

I admired the strength it took to raise two wonderful children practically by herself. And yet, there was still something missing in her life, just by looking into her eyes. She still lacked that little bit of happiness.

The first time she touched me was while we were dancing in a friend’s living room. I do not believe I had ever felt so much chemistry, so much trust, so much love. I do not know if the experience was the same for her. But I can tell you this, there was a connection from both of us. Just by looking into each others eyes.

After that night, we were like two teenagers experiencing puppy love for the first time. We were on the phone all hours of the night, we spent every waking moment together. We lacked no words for conversation. Over the months we had developed such a friendship and such a love for one another. We shared our darkest secrets, our worst fears, our dreams, our goals. We shared the same breath and at times our hearts would beat at the same time.

I was the happiest woman in the world. Finally, after 15 years my dreams had come true. My thoughts became my reality. Now this new way of life was completely foreign for her. She had developed feelings that she had suppressed for so long. Not necessarily for me, but for herself. This way of life scared her very much, but yet at the same time thrilled her as well. It had been so long ago since I had to experience those fears and feelings, the confusion and the excitement all rolled into one. That I had forgotten what it was like to walk into this new life. After years of wanting to share my life with her, to hold her hand and let her know it was alright to take this journey and that I would be there every step of the way. I had forgotten.

I had let her down and myself as well. I had lost sight of that new way of life. I had lost sight of the fears and the confusion one feels. But, we still held onto that connection. As the years went by My love for her only got stronger. When she would touch me, it felt like the first time. I would feel my body just melt. When she held me, I knew I was exactly where I should be, Home. When I would see her it was like looking at her for the first time, the beautiful mysterious woman I fell in love with 15 years ago. When she would laugh and her eyes would sparkle, I would feel my lips curl and my heart just melt. I had found my soul mate, I had found my best friend. But yet, I was letting her down. Some where during all the excitement, the bliss of puppy love, the first kiss and the first tear shared, I had lost sight of what mattered the most. Her happiness. The happiness I had vowed to myself 15 years ago to give to her. As she was making her journey with her new life, I had lost sight of the patience I needed to give her. The understanding and the time I needed to allow her for this new way of life. I had forgotten what it was like.

You have to understand, I had 15 years to experience this life, to grow from it and realize exactly how I wanted my future to play out. She was not allowed this pleasure. This was a journey she had never experienced before. I was so scared of losing my dreams that I had forgotten what it was like in this new life. I was not allowing her to have her dreams, instead of giving her the happiness I longed for her to have I took it away.

Now, we all know there are several forks in the road that we must travel during this journey. I know that I had traveled down many of them, some not as pleasurable as others. But I learned from each of them. Well I am hoping it is not too late for me to give the patience to her and to remember what it was like to walk into this way of life for the first time. Because, you see, she is now walking down this forked road. I may not be at her side through this journey, but she is and will be always in my heart while she walks through this new life. Over the years of having my dream, even for a short time, my love is still as strong and as deep for her as the first time I saw her. She will always be my soul mate and she will always be my best friend. And we will always have that connection as we did the first time we danced. The only difference is that I remember the walk of life and I now have the patience to allow her to enjoy her new journey into her new life.

But, I will tell you this, at the end her journey into the next, we will come together as one, breathing the same air and our hearts beating as one. We will remember our journey together. We will remember our connection and in the end both of our dreams will have been met