The Multiple Sides Of Johnny Swift

"We've been dating each other now for nearly a year and we have been engaged for the last three months," said Johnny Swift. "Before we marry there are some things I need to discuss with you."

"Things?" repeated Diana with concern in her voice. "What sort of things?" Diana was an attractive, though not beautiful blonde with blue eyes. She was self conscious about her figure which was slender but she felt she was small on top and this embarrassed her, though she rarely told anyone. She was a little less than average height and she worked as a horse walker. This kept her in good physical shape. She was twenty-three and hoping to become a teacher. She was frightened about having children, yet wanted them badly; at least two. These were the important things to her and she had shared them with Johnny. She felt confident that Johnny loved her and she literally sparkled when she was with him. It was as though an entirely different aura came over her. She was deeply in love with him.

"I need to tell you about myself and the ways that I think," Johnny continued. Johnny was average in most things, but had a tremendous IQ. He was brilliant. He had little patience and therefore had a poor job history. He would get upset with a job and moved on to another. Although he did his jobs well while he had them, he couldn't seem to hold one for a long period. He had been in the Coast Guard for more than a year, but the military was not a job you could easily quit. He was twenty-eight with hazel eyes and brown hair.

"I'm pretty sure that I know you by now," laughed Diana. They had met during one of his off base liberties, days off in layman's terms, and she had picked him up. She invited him to her apartment and asked him to have sex with her. She was trying to make another man jealous. Johnny, however, quickly began to love her and he kept after her. Soon she lost interest in the other man and decided to love Johnny.

"No, I don't think you know the real me, but I want you to know me and accept me if you can before we marry." Johnny shuffled on the sofa of her apartment and put his arm around her drawing her close. They kissed for a few moments. "You see the good side of me, it is all that I have shown you; but I also have a dark side."

"Well, that's normal, John. We all have things we don't like about ourselves."

"But that's just it! I like both sides of myself. I love all sides of myself and I want to be able to share them with you."

Diana was becoming a little uneasy because the unknown can be frightening and she had no idea what kind of bad things to expect of this kind, generous, gentle and loving man. 'What kind of a dark side could he have?' She had known of marriages in which the man who had been loving during the dating stage had become a monster after the rings were exchanged. 'Was Johnny one of those?' These thoughts were troubling her.

"As you know, I used to be Christian, however; since then I have developed my own religion. I don't want or seek followers and I want you to believe as you choose."

"I know. We've discussed this," replied Diana.

"Yes, but I am much closer to God I feel now than ever before. Each day I feel more aware of God, but it is not a matter of how close one is to God, but how close God is to each of us; I suspect that God is an equal distance to us all. I believe that God is in all things. While God does not approve evil, God enables it. This is key to the existence of and the love I have for my dark side.

"When I get angry...."

"I've never seen you angry," she interrupted.

"It is rare that I express my anger, but that doesn't mean that I don't have anger. I have a quick temper but I am slow to boil. In fact, I have a lot of bitter anger which I keep deeply filed away inside myself for reference. I rarely forgive and I never forget. 'Beware the fury of the patient soul.' a variation of a quote by John Dryden. If I choose to get even with a person, I usually get them good. They don't expect it and they rarely know from where their misfortune comes."

"Are you angry with me?" she asked worried.

"Not now. Never for long. I love you. I either accept what makes me angry with you or forgive it. Love is a decision which a person makes daily, sometimes moment to moment; it's a commitment. It is one that I won't break."

"When have I made you angry," Diana asked nearly crying.

"Oh I won't go into all the times, that could take a long time and it is not what I want to discuss, but I'll give you an example. Sometimes when we go out to eat you will say that you want to go to one place and I will set my heart on it and then you'll change your mind while we are driving to it. I wind up having to change directions and psyche myself up for an entirely different meal. It is not serious, but it is aggravating and though minor, it angers me."

"Oh, I'm sorry. You should have told me," she said.

"That's all right. Don't be sorry, just file it for reference and try not to do it again," John said laughing.

John kissed her nose and then continued, "When I was a Christian I prayed the earth to hell and everyone on it including myself. I meant it. I still don't know what God's answer will be. Let's say that I am hoping that God has decided to say 'No.' to that request. I did mean it and I meant the hottest hell with everybody being in flesh suits in order that they would feel it eternally. I think that is the worst thing I have done, but maybe not. I really did mean it, however. Another time I prayed that everything including God would cease to exist. I don't know if I have God's answer on that prayer either, but everything is still here. Those were extreme moments of anger against God and against humanity. If you think Hitler was bad, I might have actually done it if I'd had the power; but I didn't, so I was merely left frustrated and hurting."

"What cause you such anger," asked Diana.

"My love for God and the church and my disappointment in them. I won't go into details, but I'll simply say that I felt abandoned and mistreated by both."

"I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry. I grew because of it, but it was difficult. It changed my direction in life and now I have you, I hope. When I am angry, I take it to God or file it away in myself. I don't believe God is either he or she, but when I am p*ssed at God I'll say something like 'Fuck you, God'. And I'll mean it for a moment, but the moment passes and I am sure that if God is an intelligent or personal God, God understands me. Whether It forgives me or not, that I don't know. The Bible, if you can trust it, suggests that God always forgives everybody. I don't."

Diana said nothing, she was obviously deep in thought. After several minutes, John turned her head to face him and kissed her fully on the mouth, with some hesitation she responded. They kissed for a few minutes.

"Do you forgive me?" she mumbled childlike.

"Most of the time, but let's not get into that." He continued. "Jesus said that to lust in one's heart was tantamount to actually committing the act. I disagree. I believe lusting, killing, even torturing, in fantasies or thought is healthy. I believe it is a good way to ease off the pressure of the internal anger a person keeps inside. Like a pressure valve. It allows you to feel good about getting upset with the things at which you get angry and frustrated. Also the sex drive is important and for a healthy sex life it is good to encourage it. That is one of the reasons I am trying to become a professional writer. It allows me to express my anger and feelings which I often can't express otherwise. A part of me would like to torture, kill or rape various people, but I keep it in it's proper place. The important thing is to know your core self and to keep in check with reality and what you want your core self or true self to be. The person I let the world see most of the time is the person I want my core self to be. When I am alone or in private thought, I may entertain thoughts or fantasies I would never express. These I am now sharing with you."

"Would you kill somebody?" she asked him wide eyed.

"Only with extreme provocation and if my life or someone else's life or limb were threatened. That's the reason I joined the Coast Guard. I couldn't support the war in Iraq, but I felt I should serve my country. One of the main focuses of the Coast Guard is search and rescue, another customs, and protecting US territories. "Anyway," he continued. "If I see a pretty women, I may think of her sexually. It doesn't mean that I'll make any effort to have sex with her. If someone p*sses my off, I may pray them to hell. I usually change my mind and ask God to strike the request. It's a little extreme for any crime a human could commit. Sometimes I think about sex and masturbate to pictures of women who are models. I may even think of raping, torturing, killing and/or eating them. I find that the hunger and sex drives seems to be related. I would enjoy a cigarette more." He laughed.

"A cigarette! but you quit!"

"Yes, but I still love the d*mn things."

"Have you thought about raping, torturing, killing or eating me?" Diana asked of him.

"Certainly, but not often."

"Would you harm me?"

"Of course not. Never physically, although I might hurt your feelings sometime."

"Would you like rough sex?" she asked.

"We could try role playing or experimentation if you wanted sometime."

"As I told you," he continued. "I love both my good and dark sides. I love everything about me, but my procrastination."

"Procrastination!" she laughed. "Torture, cannibalism, raping, murder and mayhem you fantasize about, but procrastination bothers you!"

"Have you ever prayed me to hell?" Diana asked.

"Just that once, when I prayed everyone on the planet to hell. You were a child then."

"You did ask God not to do that, I hope," she queried.

"Yes, but it is rather up to God and not me. I believe in neither a heaven or a hell apart from this earth, but I am not certain I am right."

"Well, I have an evil side, too," she said smiling. "I think I might pray to hell any woman who dares to take you away from me."

Johnny laughed and said, "So you still love me?"

"Yes. Indeed I do." She stood up, took his hands, pulled him to his feet and led him into the bedroom for a little role playing and experimentation.