It Is What It Is

His eyes had been closed.
"It is what it is."
"Huh. What do you mean?" He asked holding her hand, stroking her hair.
"It's just, well, you know."
She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip.
He followed her with his eyes closing and he smiled.
He loved watching her bite her lip. He loved watching her close her eyes. He loved guessing what she was thinking.
"Thinking about me again, I bet." He joked.
She smiled.
"Maybe."
It was always her answer.
Maybe.
But he knew.
It was yes.
It was yes by the way she smiled at him.
It was yes by the way she kissed him. It was yes by the way she touched him. It was yes by the way she talked to him.
She opened her eyes and saw his closed.
"Ok, what are you thinking about?"
"The trees."
She started laughing. She thought he was silly.
"What about the trees?"
He pointed out the window without opening his eyes.
"Do you see the trees out there? The tall ones swaying in the breeze?"
She looked and saw the trees. The tall ones swaying in the breeze.
"Yea, why the trees?"
"Freedom, my love. Freedom."
"Ok. Now what does that mean, you silly boy."
He sighed. His eyes still closed. He held her hand tighter.
"Free from love. Free from heartache and heartbreak. Free from confusion. Free from lost feelings. Free from feelings found. Free from feelings revealed and feelings kept secret."
She thought of his ramblings. At least that is what he called it. He would say things, write things, sing things to her that he believed were ramblings. She didn’t know where he got them from. She thought that maybe he was well read. Maybe he just knew words and knew how to put them together, in different ways, so they would sound like he was well read.
It didn’t matter. She loved his ramblings. She would listen to him for one eternity.
He paused and opened his eyes, looked into hers and became one with hers.
"Yea, like you said, it is what it is."
He hated the saying. He hated for what it stood for. He remembered the first time she said it. He thought it was cute. Thought it hit the spot. Now it angered him. But he didn’t want her to know that. He didn’t want her to feel what he would feel. So he hid it. Every time it was voiced or implied or thought, he would hide it.
He leaned in slowly and kissed her gently.
He took in every part of her being.
Her smell. He breathed her in.
Her sounds. He heard her heart.
Her warmth. He felt her touch.
Her thoughts. He relived the past.
She laid her head against his chest.
"Your heart is beating fast."
"Good, means it is still working."
"I'm sorry." And she held him tighter
"Hey baby, It is what it is." He stroked her hair again and continued. "It's a part of life. It is hard to dictate what happens. Full time job just to get up each day and face the world. But when the heart is involved, and, well you know, it does its own thing. I have no regrets, save one."
"I know."
He smiled again at her. She smiled back.
"You are amazing. My God. Beautiful, sexy, passionate, caring. Always in my dreams."
"And?" She asked, interrupting him. "What else?" She laughed quietly, teasing him.
He loved her teasing.
"Ok. Vibrant, intelligent. Mmmm. Guess that's it."
"That's good enough."
There was something else he wanted to say.
She knew it.
But he kept silent. There wasn't any sense to bring it up.
The silence was deafening and it was time.
He sighed heavily.
He felt his stomach tighten, his hands shake and tears start to form in his eyes.
He knew that she was going to say it once more. She knew that it hurt.
It hurt her and it hurt him. But it was expected. It would be repeated by him. This was their unspoken agreement.
“It is what it is, my love.” She kissed him and continued. "It's ok."
He nodded and closed his eyes again. "It is what it is. It is what - it - is."
He couldn't see her. His eyes were filled with what he tried to hold back. He could only hear her now.
"Goodnight, babe. Sweet dreams." Her voice echoed
"I'll always have my dreams, baby doll. I'll always have those." His eyes were closed again.
"I'll be there. I promise." She assured him.
He nodded again. "I know. In my dreams.”
And with that I opened my eyes, fought back a part of life and hung up the phone.
I whispered into the night air, my voice trembling, repeating what she had told me.
"It is what it is."
I faked a smile, felt my heart slow down and I looked up into the heavens.
"In my dreams, baby. In my dreams"