Missing and Coping

Oh my goodness, this can’t be happening, my thoughts swiveled around in my head. How could this have happened?

I was tired of holding in my emotions. I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry even if this happened. But hey, if you lost someone you loved, you’d cry too would you not?

I felt the tears almost burst out from under my eyes. This can’t be happening, I said to myself, internally for the umpteenth time.

Edward had already left me once. How…why? Why would he do it again? He even told me that he couldn’t bear to leave me.

A knock came from the door.

“Who is it?” I asked, shakily as I silently sobbed.

“Dad.”

Oh no, I couldn’t let him see me in my vulnerable stage. I quickly wiped away my tears and opened the door.

“So, Bells. I heard the Cullens moved away. This time for good,” he said with a triumphant grin.

“What’s it to you?” I muttered, clenching my fists.

“That boy wasn’t good enough for you anyway. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry. Maybe now you’ll be more focused on your studies,” he said. He hummed a tune, walked out of my room, and closed the door.

The pipes magically burst up again.

My tears streamed down my face.

Splatter, the window sounded. Rain, great just what I needed. Rain, falling down—mourning the fact that my boyfriend had moved away, again. Rain, coming down in celebrating the success of my father finally being rid of him.

Crash, noises came from outside.

Thunder. Just more of the weather, making me feel even worse. My tears wouldn’t stop. I have never felt this feeling before. The feeling of being stranded alone, in a place where you didn’t have any friends. In a place where you were secluded only to find solace in your ever-so-caring boyfriend.

My tears stopped, leaving only whimpering noises.

Crash, boom. More thunder.

I lay flat on my bed and pulled the sheets up to my neck. The whimpering still would not stop. I guess, I’d just cry myself to sleep. I’d have already done it before.

+++

Sunshine poured in through the window.

It’s amazing how one day you can feel horrible, and the next you can feel even worse. The sun may be shining today but inside, the world is nothing but a pitch black empty room.

Maybe once before it was filled with love and memories of times Edward and I spent together—good, and bad.

Like the times when we were hunted down by the Volturri, and by the Victoria, the vampire whom wanted to take the place of her loved one’s death with mine.

Those were the bad times.

There were plenty of good times.

The day Edward showed me his meadow or when he took me to the prom. Well, okay prom wasn’t that great of a memory. I hated dancing, and I hated the person who was about to take me. However, all that changed with…Edward.

What would become of me? What would I do now without him?

I didn’t wanna mope around and do nothing like I did the first time he left. That would just result in Charlie nagging my butt all day.

I wouldn’t turn to Jacob. Sure he helped me last time Edward left but, I still wasn’t able to forgive him for what he did, with the motorcycle and all. Not only did get Edward banned from the house—and me grounded, but he also was the person who made Edward leave.

You see, Edward didn’t think that Charlie would be happy if I didn’t spend time with Jake. However, Jake wouldn’t be happy with me hanging out with a bunch of “blood-suckers.”

There were a bunch of people who I needed to make happy. I just wasn’t able to do so.

There was also college I needed to focus on. I had gotten in the University of Alaska, as so did Edward but right now, I wasn’t able to focus on that.

The problem was…what would I do not that Edward was gone?

Options: 1) I could hang out with some of the friends that I had left for Edward. 2) Hang out with Jake and make Dad happy.

Hmm, I don’t think that I’d really like to choose either both.

Ugh, I was thinking too much again. I grabbed my CD player put in the Linkin Park album, “Hybrid Theory,” and listened to the clashing yet soothing tunes of the alternative songs. It was working. My thoughts seemed to have drifted away. Just like before.

I wasn’t thinking of Edward—which would have me hearing his voice like before, I wasn’t thinking about all the people I needed to make happy, I wasn’t really thinking about anything at all.

Relaxed, I went to the bathroom. I stared at my surroundings, the toilet, the sink, the counter, the shower. Right then there was something that stuck out to me. Something that might—would, help me cope with this, this…depression state I was in.

A blade. A magical, silver, sharp edged blade. How come I had never seen this before? It just happened to sing out to me, calling me into its little sanctum.

I grabbed the blade, it felt magical in my hands. Warm and welcoming. My scalp tingled. I hoped I didn’t need to turn to this. The point of the razor touched my skin.

Magical.

I slowly cut my wrist. It didn’t really hurt at all. Probably because I was cutting away my emotional pain that I didn’t care for the physical pain.

I finished the cut. A long line straight across my wrist.

Then I remembered.

Oh god! I was such an idiot! How could I not remember that there would be a scar there. How could I not remember that I would have to cover up the scar somehow.

I stared at my cut, oozing with blood. I grabbed a tissue and added pressure to it against my wrist.

It wouldn’t stop bleeding!

Boy was that a dumb thing to do. Cut at my wrist. The place where the veins all connected. Where the blood flowed steadily.

I stared at it. The smell—salt and rust. It was something I didn’t really like in particular.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My face had flushed a ridiculous tone of green.

The room began to spiral. Oh god! Why did I do this? What a huge mistake I had made! All for one guy.

The lights shone dimly. My eyes fluttered. Wearily, I hit the ground, and closed my eyes.

+++

“Bella?” That voice. That magical, creamy voice I had remembered.

“Ed—”

He put a finger to my lips. “You rest,” he said, staring at me with golden eyes.

I nodded.

“Bells,” I heard my Dad calling for me, “The Dr. Cullen said you lost a lot of blood.”

Wow, what a surprise.

“Honey, if you’ve been acting this way over one guy then why didn’t you tell me how you felt?” he asked.

“You wouldn’t listen to me if I talked about him,” I managed to cough out.

Charlie grew silent.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said. I could tell he really meant it.

“Edward, why did you leave?” I asked, tears streaming down my face.

“I thought it would be better for your Dad. But as I can see, you can’t manage to keep yourself away from injury without me,” he said with a smile.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said. He lightly kissed my forehead. I could sense that Charlie would be mad and would attempt to pry Edward loose from me. But he wasn’t and left Edward and I to do what we wanted.

He pulled me closer into his arms, “I’m never leaving you again,” he said and kissed me once again.

I looked up at him, “I love you,” I whispered.

“I know, I do too.”