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Things (NOT) to Do or Say at or for Your Thesis Defense

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."
2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6. Stage your own death/suicide.
7. Lead the specators in a Wave.
8. Have a sing-a-long.
9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..." 11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in. 12. Puppet show. 13. Group prayer. 14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17. Imitate Groucho Marx. 18. Mime. 19. Hold a Tupperware party. 20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21. "Everybody rhumba!!" 22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23. Charge a cover and check for ID. 24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..." 25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?" 26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 28. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas. 29. Door prizes and a raffle. 30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."  

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