TIPS FOR SURVIVING COLLEGE

* Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour. * Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life. * Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads. * Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover. * Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business. * If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major. * Boring lecture? Start a wave! * College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner. * "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges. * Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster. * Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay. * Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people. * Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology." * In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal