THE PROFESSOR SAYS...

When professors say this . . .They really mean this! * This needs some minor revision. - I never actually got around to reading this. * My office hours are by appointment only. - I like to get out of here early. * Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation. - I'll be fudging your grades. * This won't be on the test. - Nap time! * Bring the text to class. - I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs. * He's not fully up to speed on that. - He's got his head up his ass. * I don't have the latest department guidelines. - I've got my head up my ass. * Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. - I've got my head up HIS ass. * Talk to the department secretary. - Piss off. * Talk to me in my office after class. - Get out of my face. * The tests will all be multiple-choice. - I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading. * Don't come in late during my lecture. - I have the attention span of a fruit fly. * Save your questions until the end. - See above. * The final will be comprehensive. - I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks. * Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations. - This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach. * There are two TAs available to help you. - I can't be bothered. * This year I'll be scaling the grades. - I just passed tenure review. * Let's break up into quiet discussion groups. - I have a hangover. * Let's have class outdoors today! - I had beans for lunch. * You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore. - My contract wasn't picked up. * Please note the last day to withdraw. - The midterm's gonna suck. * The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17. - I only got around to making up the test last night. * The second list is optional reading. - I have a rich fantasy life. * I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet. - The *ssh*le department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute. * Well, it was on the syllabus. - I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself. * We'll just skip the term paper this semester. - There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA. * Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam. - See above. * Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade. - I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise. * Read chapters 5 through 10. - I'm not coming in at all next week. * We'll have to cover this chapter quickly. - I screwed up the lecture schedule. * Let's go over the exam. - Half of you failed. * It was in the textbook. - I pulled it out of my ass. * Extra credit is available. - I need some sh*t work done