I Remember...

I walked down the streets with my hands shoved in the pockets of my coat in the clear day with the perfect temperature carried by the gentle breeze. The place crowded with people rushing here and there as I walked slowly, dreading to get to you while I wanted to be with you at the same time. The city noise and pollution were left behind as I entered a place no one visited much. Leaves of orange, red, brown, and green were scattered on the bed of the dead ones. The ground was soaked from the rain that had poured down for days. The air carried on a feeling of melancholy and the sun was blocked out by the dense mass of trees. The stones lined in neat rows were now covered with dying vines, which blocked out the faded engraved marks. This cemetery held a special someone named Lindsey.

I guess I was too enwrapped to hear the leaves crackle underneath the heavy footsteps behind me. I could see my breath as I let out a sigh mixed with sorrow. I bowed my head and looked down, caught in my own memories. Memories of happy, sad, exciting, shocking, and special moments of my life.

The first one happened to be the best day of my life. I saw you standing outside the house next to mine one summer. Your gorgeous golden brown hair down and flowing with the wind. You deep blue eyes sparkled with excitement but sadness in the bright sun.

"Hi, I'm Neal." I said running up to you.

You stood there analyzing every inch of me before hesitantly shaking my hand. "I'm Lindsey."

We were both twelve when we first met each other. You were a month older than I was and you always used that to get your way all throughout our four long years of friendship. Four long years of strong friendship...but not long enough.

Remember when we were in ninth grade and I finally mustered up the courage to ask you out to the first homecoming? You were kind of reluctant to say yes to your best friend but you did anyway. And then we shared our first kiss together after the dance under the thousands of stars that lined the black sky. 1  

Then, after little over a year, during the middle of summer break after our tenth grade year, you broke up with me. When I heard those hateful words "We need to talk" coming out of your mouth, I wanted to run away straight from there just so that I wouldn't hear what you were going to say next. But you held me there with your eyes and hand. 2  

"Neal, I'm being unfair keeping you as mine when I don't like you the way you like me." You said those exact words to me. "We are still best friends, right?"3  

I hated you so much that night for breaking my heart. No, not breaking, but stealing my heart with you when you walked away when I didn't say a word. Those nine precious days and nights I spent crying over you and hating you at the same time. If I only knew what future held for you, I would've never been such a bastard. 4  

"We need to talk, Neal. I don't want to lose my best friend." you said on the phone. I remember missing your sweet voice in my ear and your warm presence next to me. We outside your house, stretched out and laying on the cool grass under the blazing sun. 5  

"Remember I first met you here?" you asked me while motioning me to lay down next you. You rested your soft hair on my chest and took my hand into your delicate little ones. 6  

"Yeah." I said after a few minutes of silence. 7  

"I wanted you to be the first one to know why I had to break it off."8  

"That's a lie." those words came out more bitter than I wanted them to. "There was nothing and no one forcing you to break up with me." 9  

"Except one thing." you paused for a while. "When I went to camp the first week of summer, I realized something." you gripped my hand tighter before saying, "I could never love you...love any guy as much as I love a special someone that I met there. But the thing is that the someone isn't a guy, Neal." 10  

"What are you saying?" I asked wanting to see if what you were saying and what I was thinking were the same. God, I was so stupid.11  

"I like girls and only girls. I'm a lesbian." you said looking at me straight in my eyes.12  

I didn't want to believe it at first because if I did, it would mean that it was true and if it was true, there would be no way in hell for you and me to be a "us". But after a few minutes, I slowly started to accept that.13  

"So you don't like guys, at all?" I said idiotically.14  

"Nope." you said still looking into my eyes. "I'd understand if you didn't want to be my friend--"15  

"No, I don't want to be anything to you but your best friend." 16  

During our junior year, we were closer than before. You told me that I couldn't tell anyone that you were a lesbian. While I did keep it a secret from the world, I still hoped that maybe you'd some day change your mind and be interested in guys again. 17  

Then for the prom, you shocked me by your decision. You were so stupid, Lindsey. So, so stupid to do so. You entered the school hand in hand with Alice. People questioned you and you remained silent while Alice answered for you. I still wonder if you were ready to come out or if she pressured you into coming out. 18  

After that Saturday, everyone looked at you...and me differently. I guess I can't complain much when I look at what you had to go through. People verbally harressed you so much...it turned physical and lot of the times too. I guess everyone other than me and Alice could handle the fact that you were a lesbian. They were so scared that maybe you'd...I don't know. Just scared of having a homosexual girl there among them. Sure, I went through some verbal harressment too but only from time to time. You had to endure it everyday. 19  

Then, after a month, Alice left you and I can still remember how much you cried. No words could describe the pain and sorrow that was in your heart. I tried, Lindsey. I really tried to try and help you but I guess I wasn't strong enough for you. Not when you were harressed at school and not when your parents found out.20  

It was so ironic how the one person who gave you life could kick you out of the house. Word got to your parents that you were a lesbian or a "slut" as they called you. They were so furious when they told you to get out of their house at that moment. After that, while you stayed with my family, your family didn't care much at all. They didn't care where you were and what was happening to you. All they cared about was their reputation and how they could deny the fact that a person of their own blood was a lesbian. You cried every night for the first two weeks. After that, you turned cold and hard, not letting anyone, not even me, in. 21  

If I only knew what I know now, I would've never let you walk out of the house that night. When we got into a furious debate, you ran out crying. I was too blinded by anger to stop you or run after you. Instead I let you walk away from me to your own death. 22  

I didn't know anyone could hate you so much...enough to kill you. Three guys, that night, taunted you and raped you. You called me right away, crying into the phone to me and telling me what happened. I asked where you were and you said you didn't know. If only you knew...or if I knew, then maybe I could've saved you from being shot several times in the back. 23  

I remember that night that I felt like your death tore away a part of me. And I still feel like a part of me is missing. I stand here before a grave containing a coffin that held your decaying body. For two years countless numbers of my tears fell here as I visited you daily. Your family gave you a small and short burial and moved away. I still hold bitter hatred for your family and the three guys who stole your life away...stole you away from me. You didn't get to graduate with me and you didn't get a chance to hear what I want to tell you. 24  

As usual, a cold hand touched my face gently and wiped my tears away. 25  

"You need to let her go." Peter said.26  

"I know I do. But I just wanted to visit her before I come out." I walked out of the cemetery in his arms and gave him a short, sweet kiss.27